Internet Comment Threads Aren’t Going to Troll Themselves

I'M WINNING!

You’ve just read a political article on Fox News/Huffington Post/That Damn John Scalzi‘s Site and the sheer wrongheadedness and deliberate ignorance of those stupid neocons/libs/greenies/freepers is just too much to take.  You should, nay, MUST set them straight in the comments.  It’s the only way they’ll learn.

But are you really ready to play with the big boys?  Do you have the tools you’ll need for the job?  Do you even know what an ad hominem attack is?  Read on, and get ready to join the trolling big leagues!

Doin’ It Up Right, in 5 Easy Steps:

Ad Hominem, Your Best Friend Ever

You’re a busy person, just like me.  Why waste time reading and understanding your opponent’s arguments when you can just cut to the chase and go for the guy making it?  After all, surely his arguments are just as stupid as he is.  So what if other, smarter, people are saying the same thing.  Let’s not lose sight of the fact that the important thing is to win big in a comment thread on the internet.  PERIOD.  Somebody crowing about McCain/Obama’s economic policies?  For heaven’s sake, don’t figure out what they’re saying, call them a name already!

Straw Man, Way Easier to Push Down on the Playground

Don’t let that guy tell you what he thinks!  What are you, a baby?  YOU tell HIM what he thinks!  That’s the way to do it.  It’s not like you have the answer to every little argument anybody might make.  To save time, just listen to your favorite pundit’s talking points, and then no matter what anybody says, you just reply with those.  It saves a hell of a lot of time, let me tell you.  The best part?  You can’t be wrong if you answer your own questions.

False Dilemma, Either You Use This Or the Terrorists Win

I think it’s pretty obvious that your position is not only the right one, it’s the ONLY one.  Now, most comment thread ‘debaters’ aren’t going to realize that right away, so you’re going to have to make it plain and simple.  Also, don’t wimp out when you use this beauty, combine with the Slippery Slope for maximum impact.  For example, if gay marriage is allowed, the next day everyone is going to marry a pigeon.  That pretty much shows the obvious consequence of gay marriage.  Do you want to marry a pigeon?  I sure don’t.

Post Hoc, or How Disco Destroyed the Roman Empire

Post hoc ergo propter hoc is just fancy talk for I WIN, JERK.  You put one of those double vortex air spinners on your car, and your gas mileage went up.  That’s proof right there, buddy.  Did you put it on right before taking that long highway trip?  Who cares?  Driving is driving.  Thing one happened, then thing two happened.  You don’t have to be a school board member to see the science here.  This one is pure gold when you want to show how stupid the other guy’s political candidate is.  Just google his term of office, then google DISASTER DEATH FIRE PUPPIES.  So easy a commie could do it.

Caps Lock, IT WORKS

CAPS LOCK ON MEANS YOU’RE IN THE ZONE.  CHECK YOUR KEYBOARD LIGHT TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE LOCKED AND LOADED FOR INTELLECTUAL DISCOURSE.

I’ve done all I can.  You’re ready.  Now get out there and get mad!