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April 3, 2013

5

Alert: Productivity Threat Level Mauve

by Michael Langlois

You already know how I’m constantly beset by cruel video games trying to steal my precious writing time, right?  And unless you’ve been living under a rock, you also know that Bioshock:Infinite launched a few days ago.  And that it was promptly hailed as the best game ever.

So, I kind of figured that’s where this most recent attack on my productivity was going to come from.  Naturally, I did my best to resist.  You know, by promptly downloading it and “just watching the intro”, but that wasn’t as effective at stopping me from playing as I’d hoped.

But I coped.  Strict discipline on the whole quota-before-playing thing, turning Steam off during the day so I can’t see that my friends are playing, taping my mouse hand to my chair, the usual.

And I was doing pretty good, too.  Until KBS showed up.  I’m going to go ahead and make an analogy here.  Let’s say that my willpower and productivity are like a beautiful, delicate unicorn grazing placidly in a field of waving grain.  At sunrise.  Next to an orchestra.

Then KBS sneaks up like a ninja with chainsaws strapped to its arms and legs and proceeds to blenderize the unicorn with acrobatic finesse in a cloud of blue chainsaw exhaust. All the while laughing and wearing unicorn buttocks for a hat.  Now, Is that analogy perfect?  Good question.  I’m going to say yes.  Yes, it is.

Even as I type this I’m thinking about strapping a dozen heavy lifting rockets to an astronaut and slinging him into orbit on a giant cone of fire that thunders so loud I can’t hear his screams.  Or making a space plane by taping some wings onto a solid fuel booster just to see what happens.

Just so you know, I very nearly started the game after typing that last sentence.  I swear to Cthulhu that this thing is as addictive as a fried bacon cherry butter pie.

And, of course, there’s a free demo.  It doesn’t come with all the delicious bits, but it has enough for you to punt a tiny green man in a space suit into onto his planet’s moon.  All for free.  And then wait until you find out the full game is only like twenty bucks.

It’s like they want me to play it all the time.  Sick bastards.

Read more from Blog Posts, Gaming
5 Comments Post a comment
  1. Oh, no. Poor unicorn. Even as a vegetarian, though, I am tempted by the thought of a fried bacon cherry butter pie, so I feel your pain.

    Reply
    • Michael Langlois
      Apr 3 2013

      As a healthy alternative, I would recommend just frying a stick of butter and skipping the bacon. Hmm, this is easy. Maybe I should become a nutritionist.

      Reply
  2. Erin
    Apr 4 2013

    I think the best way to resist new games is having a too crappy PC that can’t run them. I doesn’t stop me from drooling over these games, but it’s still a fool proof tactic. And
    I don’t care what these people say, nothing can beat the original Bioshock. *equips anti-flame shield*

    Reply
    • Michael Langlois
      Apr 4 2013

      I have to agree here, Bioshock was a real game changer for story driven FPS stuff. That said, I think what Infinite lacks in breaking new ground it makes up for with a much more sophisticated narrative.

      Also, you can zip around on a skyhook and shoot people at a hundred miles an hour. Which, uh, is evocative of, um, our modern dialogue about…stuff?

      Reply

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